I have been completely obsessed with Cecilia Bartoli as of late. I'm listening to her right now and it's making me want to cry. Her CD Opera Proibita is just magic. I'm not being very eloquent right now, but there really are no words, you just have to listen to it. It's an album of sacred music from the 1700s when opera was prohibited by the church, so all of these amazing composers concentrated on sacred music. The songs are amazing and her voice makes them go straight through your body. I'm a very secure atheist, but the things that religion brings out in people are so inspired that I would never want to take that away because it doesn't make scientific sense. When I listen to some of these songs I get the same feeling as I do when I walk into gothic cathedrals. I start to understand religion and this drive for something higher and unearthly, some sort of escape. I feel my soul, I guess. I don't believe in a soul, but in moments like this I get as close as I probably ever will.
I haven't really listened to mainstream music in probably a month. The exceptions to that are when I make myself turn on the radio in the car just for a change, or if someone else is in my car and I feel like they probably don't want to be listening to opera or some symphony orchestra. Cecilia was the turning point of it. My sister bought a DVD of a documentary they did on her when she was younger and was just starting to get famous. I listened to her sing and it did something that no other opera singer or classical piece has ever done. I honestly don't feel a desire to listen to other "normal" music. I don't mind it, it's fine, but since then, mainstream just doesn't do it for me. I'm sure I'll slowly get back to it, at least to some things, especially when my environment changes.
It's been a very calm couple of months and I truly hope that it will be a calm couple of years. I don't want a boyfriend, I don't want emotional turmoil. I'm too concentrated on other, truly personal parts of my life right now, and it feels nice. Whenever I have been with someone I've found that it's hard for me to decipher which feelings are coming from within me and which ones are caused, at least in part, by my significant other. I never liked that feeling of confusion and I think that it was caused by constant insecurity. Whether it was insecurity with the other person, or uncertainty in the quality or quantity of my own feelings, it felt completely disorienting. Now, when I'm feeling down, I own the feeling, totally and completely. I'm not even sure if I've written about this before, and I'm sorry if I have, but the idea has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't know when I'll be ready to really share my life with someone, but it will probably be sometime after I'm out of LA. I've given myself the deadline of January 2009 to quit my job and know what I'm doing next. Whether it's back to Spain, up to San Francisco or maybe the East Coast, I am, as Shakespeare would say, blowing this taco stand by 01/09.
I'm going to be changing the address of this blog to something else in a week or so, so all readers (all, like, 5 of you) beware. I will post the new address in a note on Facebook.
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