office space

So I am at the office right now. It's Friday and I CANNOT wait to get out, especially knowing that I'll see a bunch of people from Cordoba in Irvine tonight. Most of the people left for the day so I get to sit here, update my blog and do nothing of importance. Like I ever do anything of importance here. I tried to crash a Spanish class at El Camino (the community college), but the class is cancelled for the semester which made me pretty sad. Now I have to motivate myself to study on my own, which shouldn't be too hard since I don't have much else to do. I need to start socializing more. It's not even as if I don't have peope to socialize with, it's just that they all live at least a half hour's drive away and some of them are what I would call "convenience friendships", meaning that it's a lot easier to keep them up when they're 5 minutes away. But I'll try. Tonight should be fun. We'll see how Tinto de Verano tastes when made with 2-buck Chuck and American Fanta (read, corn syrup sweetened, not sugar sweetened).

Gracias a dios, es viernes!
(Thank god it's Friday!)

equipaje

I really know how to lose myself in my thoughts if I really try. I know everyone does, but I don't know how many people get to my extreme. I'm not saying I'm unique, I just honestly don't know how many people that I know experience this. Sometimes I sit there and I imagine being raped. I imagine walking down a dark path home, my mp3 player on a great song, walking a regular path, cause you know, that's mostly when these things happen. And then through the melody in my head, I hear faint footsteps behind me, then a hand over my mouth. A van drives by, and just like that I'm gone and experiencing perhaps the worst moment of my life. Now, normally I do these daymare fantasies by myself, but if someone looks at my face as I'm in them they'll see an expression of horror. If really let myself get lost in it, I can start crying. Now that's just an example, there are many more, and they're not always bad. Sometimes I imagine perfect sex or a perfect experience of love and in this case a third party would see my mouth stretch out into a blissful smile.
Sometimes, instead of getting lost in my imagination, I get lost in my actual memories. If, again, I let myself get lost in them I reexperience happiness, love, heartbreak, sadness, etc. almost all over again. Sometimes I get so lost in them that I feel like I need to have it back again, or if it's bad, I want to avoid experiencing it at all costs. Concerning friends I normally experience happiness, for example thinking back to mine, Timi's and Korin's roadtrip. That one week was only filled with good memories to me, I don't think I'd take a minute of it back. Sometimes it's sadness and regret, like when I think about not making it down to LA for Timi's birthday one year. As far as relationships go, sometimes I use a bit of imagination to spruce up those memories. Like in Terry's case. I imagine us being somehow connected and meeting somewhere when I'm 30 and realizing we're perfect for each other. Of course the one and only reason I can do this is because I don't know him very well, so I'm free to pin any and all personality traits onto him. Of course I omit the fact that he cheated on his ex-fiance, works on oil-rigs in Alberta and never finished college... you know, minor details. With Larkin I don't have to use my imagination. I use my memories and recreate the mood of a situation in my head, whether it's pain or happiness or disappointment that I'm experiencing, it seems so real and I almost feel it all over again. This is where I start thinking that there is no way that I can have so much history with someone and just let it go like that, and this is also when I realize that I am 23, and I have relationship baggage, and it's never leaving me. I think that this is what my mom meant when she told me that I'd regret "my lifestyle", meaning not being too conservative in my sex life. Some people take up huges spaces in this baggage, while some almost none, but they're still there, and they will follow me around as long as I live, so I better get used to its presence.

I woke up today feeling better, but I was coughing my lungs out, so I decided not to go to work. I left a message on my boss's cell phone, and I called into the main office where the girl said that it was ok, but I still haven't heard back from my boss. Here's hoping that I'm not fired. If I am, then all the better.

I'm in bed listening to The Fray and Snow Patrol and being sad. I'm being so well looked after by my mom that it makes me scared of getting older, getting weaker and more vulnerable and not having stable support like that. I know I can deal with things like sickness on my own. If I could live through a terrible kidney infection completely on my own, I think I can live through a cold. It's just so much nicer to have people around. Am I lonely? Yes. Do I wish I was in a relationship? Right now, yes, but only if it's perfect. No relationship is perfect, therefore I don't want to be in a "real" relationship. When Larkin and I first started dating he had doubts about wanting to be with me because it wasn't perfect and ideal and that's what he was looking for, in a way. I tried to convince him (and I guess eventually I succeeded) that perfection doesn't exist and that we're good and that's good enough, etc., but I feel like I've slowly been changing my mind. Maybe finding a perfect relationship is kind of like finding a mathematical limit that doesn't exist. You never quite get there, but it's so close that you can still write your findings down on paper. The limit does not exist, but there is an infinity of close values, and I'll try to find one of them. For right now though, while I'm in Torrance, I will systematically avoid relationships like a plague.

23 candles

Today is the day on which I commemorate my birth, which occured on February 15, 1984. Today was (though it's not over yet, so who knows what may come) probably the worst birthday of my life. I honestly don't remember a birthday on which I woke up and my first though wasn't "It's my birthday!!!". Since I'm horribly sick (thank you Timi), I woke up with a stuffed nose and an awful taste in my mouth, walked over the my kitchen, was served breakfast by my mom since I could barely move and my whole body ached. Then I took a shower and went to work. About two mind numbing hours later I heard my coworker comment that yesterday was Valentine's Day and suddenly it hits me - my birthday is the day after Valentine's Day. Hmm, well that's today, so I guess today is my birthday. I did think about it yesterday, but those were sort of blurry, pre-birthday thoughts that were the creation of a snot-filled brain.Then I proceeded to write the date of my birth on about 40 different documents which needed to be dated. In college or high school I remember decorating the date on the upper right corner of my notes for the day. I'd draw silly designs and flowers and be happy. Today I just wanted it to be over. And I don't think that the flowers would go over too well with my boss. I went home for lunch and broke down crying because I felt so sick and sad and depressed because my job could easily be done by a chimp and instead it's done by me. CRYING! On my fucking birthday! So yes, please don't write any notes of pity, it is what it is, and it sucks, but at least my mom made me my cake, and once again, I'll take what I can get, and that happens to be pretty delicious.

women

I just watched Moonlight and Valentino which is a "chick flick". It's a chick flick both in the sense that its target audience is women, and in that it is completely about women, and that's the kind I like. I'm not as big of a fan of the romantic comedy, but I really like movies about women's friendship. I think that if I were a budding psychologist, I'd research the causes and mental processes that go on in female friendship and also the reasons why men have such a hard time forming similar ones with other men. And also individuality and how it's lost in a relationship.

Puta de la oficina

That's office bitch to you. And that is what I officially will become, starting next Wednesday. It's so sad because I found out for sure today, the lady called me, and I felt like crying all day long. I don't know what about it is getting to me so much. I also just started my period, so that could be a contributing factor. Here, take a look at the website of the jokers I'm gonna be working for: www.waddell.com
Yeah, it's a stuffy office complete with cheap faux cherrywood desks and Thomas Kinkade on the walls. I'm not kidding about the Kinkade. The Painter of Light is all over the fucking place. BUT, it's literally 6 blocks away from my house, so I'll probably be walking to work. I get a steady stream of money ending up with almost 28k a year before taxes, which means I'll pay all 25k of my student loans and credit cards in less than 2 years and I'll be on my way to wherever I want to go after that. The people are actually nice and it's a clean job. I knew what I was getting into when the craigslist ad said "looking for a 'Director of First Impressions'" so I can't complain. Oh yes and did I mention healthcare and dental starting the first day of work? Of course all these things would be FREE if I lived in Europe, but whaddayagonnado. Oh, I know what. Give away a year or two of my life to get a chance to do just that.
So that I don't grow continuously dumber by the 8 hour day, I'm taking Spanish at El Camino, the community college in Torrance. We'll see how that goes.
As far as living at home, it's been surprisingly good. Peace, calm and friendship. Things I never thought I'd find with my mom, but little by little it's happening. Since the first week that I was back we haven't fought once, and I think we both deserve kudos for that. She definitely treats me differently and I think that after Spain I've gotten a lot less irritable and maybe (just maybe) a bit more responsible. My sister still annoys the crap out of me sometimes, but now it's mostly by things she does in general, not things she does to me.
This weekend I'm going up to Santa Cruz to wrap up graduation paperwork, see people and accompany Timi to her Berkeley interview and of course party it up in San Francisco. Then Wednesday morning will probably be one of the more depressing morning afters I've had. 8am bright and early at Waddell & Reed Financial Planning! The cynicism must end here.