It seems like my last post gave off an "I hate being home" vibe (at least to one person). I'm not sure how that happened, but I guess it could be subconscious and I'm just not realising that I hate being home, I don't know. What I do know is that I don't really hate being home at all. When I first got back, I went through a social-phobia stage where I just didn't want to leave my house and its comforts. Then I moved on to being freaked out that I seem to have no social life and tried hard to hang out with people. I feel like now I'm in a more balanced phase where I don't mind hanging out with people, but I have a great time at home doing stuff and just hanging out with my family. I guess for me, fun used to equal going out, and slowly it's changing. Going out is fun in any case, but I think that a capability to have fun while at home, with family or by yourself is an important one to develop, especially for me, because if I do end up without a partner later in life, and if I happen to choose not to have children (that one is improbable though) it will be nice not to have to panic at the prospect of spending many nights at home. This isn't some scheme to reduce panic in the future, I'm simply saying, I'm happy where I am now.
In other news, Larkin is/was in LA and didn't call me. The truth is I would've liked to see him, and I feel like it wouldn't necessarily have been hostile, though it absolutely would've been awkward. I guess the question then is, why would I want to put myself in an awkward situation like that? I think that something positive could've come out of it, such as talking terms, though I don't know if there's even any point. I'd like to know how he is, where he got into, see how he's changed, etc. and it would be nice to know these things from talking to him in person and not just reading his blog every few days. This is a very self-conscious paragraph since I'm fairly certain he will read it.
So, uh, hi.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Taking the long way around.
It's Saturday night and instead of trying desperately to find someone to go out with, I took another singing lesson from my sister. Last night I also sang, and played the piano for over an hour. Being at that goddamned office stresses me out so much for absolutely no reason, it healing to sit down at the piano and count out the measures, reading the same sonata that used to come so easy to me 11 years ago (can I just say, I'm fucking OLD? thanks...). Right now, it's the best meditation that I've found for myself. Guitar doesn't give one the same sense of discipline as the piano, at least it didn't to me. This was perfect for college of course, because discipline was exactly what I wanted to avoid and I achieved great success at that, though my grades suffered accordingly.
With singing, it's very grounding to feel organs in your own body that you never even knew could be physically sensed. I can feel air traveling from my lungs, through my wind tunnel and hitting my soft palate to create the correct sound (or at least as correct as I can make it at the moment).
I've been flossing my teeth every night for the past 2 weeks. It's the longest I've ever gone and on the first day that I did it I decided to treat flossing my teeth like a reverse AA meeting. Hello, my name is Rena and I never floss. Today is my 14th night flossing my teeth. It could all crash down tomorrow, I don't know, but I'm taking it day by day.
Now, I'm not saying all of this to toot some sort of a horn for being such a great and responsible person. Though I am. But you all know that already. Hah. But really, lately I've been feeling the weight of life more and more, the finality of it all and the inevitable fatality of myself and wanting to make the best of it. I feel my body becoming less resilient to minor illnesses, scars, bruises and I'm only 23 and it scares me. I watch my grandmother lying at the nursing home not even being able to keep her back straight when she sits up and I don't want that for myself. I hear my mom talk about my other grandmother's body just slowly giving up in her Moscow apartment. I know she's dying and my mom knows it too, and I see this mixture of pain and fear on my mom's face when she thinks about the pain that her mother is going through every day and the pain that is possibly in the future for her since my mom not at all in great health. I want to take care of myself now, before it's too late, and if I die in pain, at least I won't be thinking that I didn't do simple things that may have prevented it, I'll know that it is something that I couldn't prevent. I am more afraid of physical pain than anything else. I guess that's a pretty obvious statement, which is why torture techniques are so effective, but I'm pretty sure that when we were talking about the Spanish Inquisition in history class in Cordoba, I was the only person in the class with her hands actually over her mouth, eyes wide open in horror as Antonio told us about the different torture methods they used before finally killing some supposed heretic. Here I go veering off towards Spain again. So, back to health. I know flossing isn't going to prevent me from dying in pain, but I see it as a first step towards general health and wellbeing. I love Radiohead, but the song Fitter Happier has always bothered me in some ways. Yes, it points out some qualities of that stable life that I don't ever want to encounter in my own life, but is it really so wrong not to eat microwave dinners and saturated fats anymore? or get regular exercise and not drink too much? "No chance of escape", says Thom, but isn't it so much better to escape and be ready for it completely, body and soul? Oh right, it's better to be depressed and unhealthy, that's how your really achieve freedom from this mundane life. But yes, I'd still like to be in love when I'm older, not be powerless, be ok with crying in public, do more than just kiss with saliva, and I never ever want to be too comfortable. Maybe I'm not understanding something in this song, but I wish the lyrics were a bit different. As if there aren't enough better examples of a robotic life than just eating well.
Music: Dixie Chicks - Taking the Long Way
With singing, it's very grounding to feel organs in your own body that you never even knew could be physically sensed. I can feel air traveling from my lungs, through my wind tunnel and hitting my soft palate to create the correct sound (or at least as correct as I can make it at the moment).
I've been flossing my teeth every night for the past 2 weeks. It's the longest I've ever gone and on the first day that I did it I decided to treat flossing my teeth like a reverse AA meeting. Hello, my name is Rena and I never floss. Today is my 14th night flossing my teeth. It could all crash down tomorrow, I don't know, but I'm taking it day by day.
Now, I'm not saying all of this to toot some sort of a horn for being such a great and responsible person. Though I am. But you all know that already. Hah. But really, lately I've been feeling the weight of life more and more, the finality of it all and the inevitable fatality of myself and wanting to make the best of it. I feel my body becoming less resilient to minor illnesses, scars, bruises and I'm only 23 and it scares me. I watch my grandmother lying at the nursing home not even being able to keep her back straight when she sits up and I don't want that for myself. I hear my mom talk about my other grandmother's body just slowly giving up in her Moscow apartment. I know she's dying and my mom knows it too, and I see this mixture of pain and fear on my mom's face when she thinks about the pain that her mother is going through every day and the pain that is possibly in the future for her since my mom not at all in great health. I want to take care of myself now, before it's too late, and if I die in pain, at least I won't be thinking that I didn't do simple things that may have prevented it, I'll know that it is something that I couldn't prevent. I am more afraid of physical pain than anything else. I guess that's a pretty obvious statement, which is why torture techniques are so effective, but I'm pretty sure that when we were talking about the Spanish Inquisition in history class in Cordoba, I was the only person in the class with her hands actually over her mouth, eyes wide open in horror as Antonio told us about the different torture methods they used before finally killing some supposed heretic. Here I go veering off towards Spain again. So, back to health. I know flossing isn't going to prevent me from dying in pain, but I see it as a first step towards general health and wellbeing. I love Radiohead, but the song Fitter Happier has always bothered me in some ways. Yes, it points out some qualities of that stable life that I don't ever want to encounter in my own life, but is it really so wrong not to eat microwave dinners and saturated fats anymore? or get regular exercise and not drink too much? "No chance of escape", says Thom, but isn't it so much better to escape and be ready for it completely, body and soul? Oh right, it's better to be depressed and unhealthy, that's how your really achieve freedom from this mundane life. But yes, I'd still like to be in love when I'm older, not be powerless, be ok with crying in public, do more than just kiss with saliva, and I never ever want to be too comfortable. Maybe I'm not understanding something in this song, but I wish the lyrics were a bit different. As if there aren't enough better examples of a robotic life than just eating well.
Music: Dixie Chicks - Taking the Long Way
Friday, March 02, 2007
Personajes
There is a guy at work named, let's just call him Ben. Ben is friendlier to me than others, and earlier today when I gave him joke-attitude he said, "Getting feisty already, huh?" He was joking of course, but by now I can read into jokes enough to distinguish one sort of joke from another. This was another sort of joke, I'm sure. The tone of voice, the eyes. He's in his mid-thirties and not attractive to me, but the attention made me giddy. It also made me feel like I was in a movie or a book. Timi and I have talked about this particular feeling several times. I also feel like that when I'm checking the day's business paperwork, answering the phone and paperclipping things together as I cradle the phone between my smooth jawline and my slender, 20-something shoulder. I feel like a character in one of those "single girl in the city" books with the pink covers, badly written by Jewish American Princesses with connections in the publishing world. This tiny action sends waves of pleasure through my brain, but almost immediately logical though takes over and convinces me of my utter stupidity.
There is another guy who actually is getting hired as an advisor and this guy really is hot. I immediately started having fantasies of going out to Hermosa Beach with "the Waddell & Reed crew" that doesn't actually exist. We go out, we take shots of tequila, there's some dancing going on, but I don't remember any details. Before 3am, we're making out on his car and he tells me that he lives alone. Perfect. Again, movie perfect. I don't think about the actual sex, because it would most likely be disappointing and only ruin the movie. Is my life a movie trailer? It lures you in, but when you see the actual thing it doesn't quite live up to the promise.
And then there are these thoughs. If I ever complain about nothing being new in my life, please remind me that this dreadful feeling is quite new. Maybe I should buy some St. John's Wort to lift me up a bit and get me though this period until things get settled down and I really do find myself a part of some "crew" or another and stop feeling this boulder deep inside my chest.
There is another guy who actually is getting hired as an advisor and this guy really is hot. I immediately started having fantasies of going out to Hermosa Beach with "the Waddell & Reed crew" that doesn't actually exist. We go out, we take shots of tequila, there's some dancing going on, but I don't remember any details. Before 3am, we're making out on his car and he tells me that he lives alone. Perfect. Again, movie perfect. I don't think about the actual sex, because it would most likely be disappointing and only ruin the movie. Is my life a movie trailer? It lures you in, but when you see the actual thing it doesn't quite live up to the promise.
And then there are these thoughs. If I ever complain about nothing being new in my life, please remind me that this dreadful feeling is quite new. Maybe I should buy some St. John's Wort to lift me up a bit and get me though this period until things get settled down and I really do find myself a part of some "crew" or another and stop feeling this boulder deep inside my chest.
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