I'd like to apologise to those few faithful visitors for not writing anything for almost a month now. You keep coming back (don't ask me how I know... ok fine, I'll just tell you that I have a fancy-shmancy hit counter hidden on this page) and there is nothing new here to help you waste time online. So sorry. I've been in Torrance for a week now and I'll be here until Jan.6th, so if anyone wants to hang out, please call!
I never really gave too much thought to death until my grandma passed away earlier this year. It wasn't necessarily her death that struck me the most, it was what it did to my mom. I had a terrible flash forward to when it is time for me to be in her shoes, and that feeling hasn't really gone away. I'm home and at certain moments I feel extremely guilty for not still living here, and for only seeing my mom once a month, if that. It's a dangerous path to be on, but it's difficult to steer yourself off of it. Every day I realise just how much of my life has been shaped by my mom. My teenage and college years were largely the inverse of her suggestions, and now I attempt to distill the useful lessons from her opinions and use them to shape the decisions I make as an adult.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
it-it hurts with every heartbeat
I have yet to decide whether I love or loathe facebook. There are some things that should just be left in the past. In the absence of internet networking, the natural progression of modern human relationships allows us to leave our puppy loves, our one night stands, our unpleasant ex-boyfriends, the annoying popular girl from high school in the past. Not so with facebook and MySpace. In our Web2.0 world I take those puppy loves and those one (or two, or more) night stands and I send them friend requests. God knows why.
Anyhow, this is what I've been to on repeat.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VB9vqCIviMk&feature=related
I wish all dance music was this good.
I was alone in the teacher's lounge today making copies and I heard this in my head from the one time that I heard it on the radio and I felt my heart swell from desire to dance or move or do... something! I must go dancing this weekend. It's strange that I almost get the sensation of being in love (or limerence?) when I think about it. I can't decide whether that lifts up dancing, or puts down love in my specter of feelings. I felt that at my Irish dance class on Tuesday too, that inability to contain your feelings. I get these tense inner tremors, my heart rate goes up and my mouth spreads into a manic smile. The more restrictions I have in my environment at that moment (such as being at work and not being able to move freely to release this pent up energy in some way) the harder it is for me to compose my face and mannerisms. This is why listening to music in the deceptive privacy of my car is probably one of my favorite places to be in the world.
Anyhow, this is what I've been to on repeat.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VB9vqCIviMk&feature=related
I wish all dance music was this good.
I was alone in the teacher's lounge today making copies and I heard this in my head from the one time that I heard it on the radio and I felt my heart swell from desire to dance or move or do... something! I must go dancing this weekend. It's strange that I almost get the sensation of being in love (or limerence?) when I think about it. I can't decide whether that lifts up dancing, or puts down love in my specter of feelings. I felt that at my Irish dance class on Tuesday too, that inability to contain your feelings. I get these tense inner tremors, my heart rate goes up and my mouth spreads into a manic smile. The more restrictions I have in my environment at that moment (such as being at work and not being able to move freely to release this pent up energy in some way) the harder it is for me to compose my face and mannerisms. This is why listening to music in the deceptive privacy of my car is probably one of my favorite places to be in the world.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Let your body move to the music, hey hey hey
I'm going through another fashionista phase. Ill timed, seeing as how I have absolutely no money to spare on something so unnecessary. More often than not it's the status-quo inside my head, but when I'm going through one of these phases I make attempts at putting this state of mind into action. I start to spend more time standing in front of my closet in heels and underwear, and less time watching TV in a sweatshirt. Two nights ago I cut off short bangs for myself. I should style my hair and put a picture up here to display them in their full punk-pop glory. I also spent about an hour and a half at Salvation Army with my mom, finally emerging with a crisp white ruffled tuxedo shirt and the softest grey 3/4 sleeve cashmere turtleneck.
There is a pair of incredibly comfortable clogs at Shoe Pavillion that I should buy. I need them. What I want is a pair of high heeled wingtip oxfords.
On a more intellectual note, I finished Atonement by Ian McEwan at 4am on Tuesday morning. There just came a point of no return. Afterwards I ate ice cream by myself in the kitchen because I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep right away. Reading him I felt like I've discovered a painting by a modern day Diego Velazquez with every jewel, every hair carefully painted and not an ounce of meaning or subtlety lost in the details. There is no reason to forgo technique in order to express a feeling, or make a statement. It's a lousy excuse and too many artists, writers and poets today are using it. Or perhaps it's not an excuse, but a fabricated trend fed to the audience as a cover up for lack of talent, and an abundance of insecurity. The same goes for fashion. I think that's another reason why I'm falling for it this autumn. Menswear is in, and that trend often coincides with a return to quality fabrics, nicely stitched leather and tailored cuts.
By the way, the holiday Vogue cover is gorgeous!!!
There is a pair of incredibly comfortable clogs at Shoe Pavillion that I should buy. I need them. What I want is a pair of high heeled wingtip oxfords.
On a more intellectual note, I finished Atonement by Ian McEwan at 4am on Tuesday morning. There just came a point of no return. Afterwards I ate ice cream by myself in the kitchen because I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep right away. Reading him I felt like I've discovered a painting by a modern day Diego Velazquez with every jewel, every hair carefully painted and not an ounce of meaning or subtlety lost in the details. There is no reason to forgo technique in order to express a feeling, or make a statement. It's a lousy excuse and too many artists, writers and poets today are using it. Or perhaps it's not an excuse, but a fabricated trend fed to the audience as a cover up for lack of talent, and an abundance of insecurity. The same goes for fashion. I think that's another reason why I'm falling for it this autumn. Menswear is in, and that trend often coincides with a return to quality fabrics, nicely stitched leather and tailored cuts.
By the way, the holiday Vogue cover is gorgeous!!!
Sunday, November 04, 2007
vanity?
I talked to my mom today and she chose to tell me that I have no personal life, and that my personal life right now is Timi's personal life. Yes, I do spend a lot of time with Timi and Nate, and I'm sure it has not been the greatest thing for their relationship, but I'm being weened off slowly and surely. It also doesn't help that Timi doesn't want me gone; I only feel the responsibility to distance myself from them so that later I won't have to carry the burden of their breakup on my shoulders.
After a long conversation with Timi I was again convinced of what started guessing some time ago. I feel like a more complete person than most others that I've met. I think that this is why the famous Jerry Maguire quote, "You complete me", never struck any chords with me. When I watched it I was surprised that it had such an effect on people. It made me realize that this is what most people look for - to be completed. Well, what am I to do if I feel complete already? My answer has been that I need a person to complement me, not complete me. After a while I started wondering what would that complement of a person be like. More and more I am convinced that my perfect mate would be the following. Me, but with slightly different hobbies and interests to provide for some variety.
Now, I know the simple analysis of that is - well, she's just a narcissist. I don't think that's it though. I'm very aware that I am flawed, and like any person I can be very difficult to deal with because of them, but I think that I have the capacity to deal with those flaws if I found them in another person. I think that I would understand where another person like me was coming from. I'd understand their random, inexplicable shyness. I'd wait around for the occasional temper tantrum to pass. I could deal with a complete absence of punctuality and low motivation. I would understand the irrationality of staying up until 3am when you have to get up for work or class at 7. I would commiserate with them when they woke up to find themselves with piling credit card debt yet again. I would forgive the overdraft fees and understand his desire to hide them from me, if I ever found a bank receipt in a jacket pocket. We could dream of being great writers together while not writing anything worthwhile, if anything at all. We would drive irresponsibly fast on empty highways at night and NOT sing along to songs blasting on the radio in each other's presence because after all, we're not alone, and the pleasure of screaming lyrics at the top of your lungs is never as exquisite as it is when you're savoring it by yourself. I would understand him and he would understand me.
I guess if there is a cheesy phrase for what I want in love, and it's that I want to be understood. And no one understands me better than I do.
After a long conversation with Timi I was again convinced of what started guessing some time ago. I feel like a more complete person than most others that I've met. I think that this is why the famous Jerry Maguire quote, "You complete me", never struck any chords with me. When I watched it I was surprised that it had such an effect on people. It made me realize that this is what most people look for - to be completed. Well, what am I to do if I feel complete already? My answer has been that I need a person to complement me, not complete me. After a while I started wondering what would that complement of a person be like. More and more I am convinced that my perfect mate would be the following. Me, but with slightly different hobbies and interests to provide for some variety.
Now, I know the simple analysis of that is - well, she's just a narcissist. I don't think that's it though. I'm very aware that I am flawed, and like any person I can be very difficult to deal with because of them, but I think that I have the capacity to deal with those flaws if I found them in another person. I think that I would understand where another person like me was coming from. I'd understand their random, inexplicable shyness. I'd wait around for the occasional temper tantrum to pass. I could deal with a complete absence of punctuality and low motivation. I would understand the irrationality of staying up until 3am when you have to get up for work or class at 7. I would commiserate with them when they woke up to find themselves with piling credit card debt yet again. I would forgive the overdraft fees and understand his desire to hide them from me, if I ever found a bank receipt in a jacket pocket. We could dream of being great writers together while not writing anything worthwhile, if anything at all. We would drive irresponsibly fast on empty highways at night and NOT sing along to songs blasting on the radio in each other's presence because after all, we're not alone, and the pleasure of screaming lyrics at the top of your lungs is never as exquisite as it is when you're savoring it by yourself. I would understand him and he would understand me.
I guess if there is a cheesy phrase for what I want in love, and it's that I want to be understood. And no one understands me better than I do.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
the awful truth
I am racist.
I look at these kids and I see black kids. When I look at Asian or Hispanic kids, I just see kids, just as I see white kids. For some deeply ingrained reason unknown to me, I have a difficult time looking at black kids the same way. Even in kindergarten they have the accent, they have the dance moves, they have the lingo down and I see little black people whom I immediately associate with bad neighborhoods, gangs, major attitude from the girls and general rudeness from the boys. I work at a private Catholic K-8 school where most of the kids (about 90% of whom are black) get picked up by their (obviously also black) parents in Mercedes-Benz's and Beemers. Most likely they have stable homes and loving families who read to them every night and help them with their homework. They don't have the same behavior and motivation problems that I saw in the charter public schools I've subbed for over the past few weeks. They don't, never did and probably never will know street life, and most of them will go to college when they grow up. The fact that I still have to train myself to change the way I view them tells me that affirmative action is the right thing to do. Income based affirmative action should be the main social factor in college admissions, but race still matters. Too much.
I look at these kids and I see black kids. When I look at Asian or Hispanic kids, I just see kids, just as I see white kids. For some deeply ingrained reason unknown to me, I have a difficult time looking at black kids the same way. Even in kindergarten they have the accent, they have the dance moves, they have the lingo down and I see little black people whom I immediately associate with bad neighborhoods, gangs, major attitude from the girls and general rudeness from the boys. I work at a private Catholic K-8 school where most of the kids (about 90% of whom are black) get picked up by their (obviously also black) parents in Mercedes-Benz's and Beemers. Most likely they have stable homes and loving families who read to them every night and help them with their homework. They don't have the same behavior and motivation problems that I saw in the charter public schools I've subbed for over the past few weeks. They don't, never did and probably never will know street life, and most of them will go to college when they grow up. The fact that I still have to train myself to change the way I view them tells me that affirmative action is the right thing to do. Income based affirmative action should be the main social factor in college admissions, but race still matters. Too much.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
The Fox
I think I have a new animal obsession. You know how pop culture gets obsessed with random critters? For example, in high school we saw a lot of monkeys on t-shirts. At least I did. Then recently there was the penguin craze fueled by March of the Penguins and then Happy Feet. Well, I started that trend back in middle school when I picked meerkats to be the the most awesome animal in the entire world. Not a choice entirely independent of pop culture (The Lion King came out a few months prior to this), but a personal one nevertheless. A few months ago I decided on owls, but then Urban Outfitters stole that one from me and started producing numerous owl-shaped household items such as lamps, as well as articles of clothing with owl prints. So that one was out. I think I've now found an original. Foxes! They're great. In storybooks they're always the smartest ones. My conviction of fox coolness was further cemented by the realization that in french, "fox" is "renard". Rena. Renard. Ha!
The point that I'm struggling to get at is that I was recently picking a YouTube account name, since so far I've only been a visiting consumer of the site and I decided on Renard. But it couldn't be Le Renard, it had to La Renard and I wasn't sure that such bold gender-bending was allowed in the french language. To check this, I Googled "La Renard" and this is what I got.
http://reynoldsben.blogspot.com/2006/08/la-renard.html
I started looking through the blog and the guy is so friggin' good! Why isn't he at Disney? Oh right, Disney decided to forgo all hand-drawn animation in favor of computerized ones. Also, click on his brother's blog
http://reynoldsjoel.blogspot.com/
He's an AMAZING photographer! The swings shot is great. Check it out!
Them and their third brother Adam are in a band together and I guess they're semi-successful, though it was a bit too Beach Boy-ey without actually being The Beach Boys, who happen to be great. Enjoy!
The point that I'm struggling to get at is that I was recently picking a YouTube account name, since so far I've only been a visiting consumer of the site and I decided on Renard. But it couldn't be Le Renard, it had to La Renard and I wasn't sure that such bold gender-bending was allowed in the french language. To check this, I Googled "La Renard" and this is what I got.
http://reynoldsben.blogspot.com/2006/08/la-renard.html
I started looking through the blog and the guy is so friggin' good! Why isn't he at Disney? Oh right, Disney decided to forgo all hand-drawn animation in favor of computerized ones. Also, click on his brother's blog
http://reynoldsjoel.blogspot.com/
He's an AMAZING photographer! The swings shot is great. Check it out!
Them and their third brother Adam are in a band together and I guess they're semi-successful, though it was a bit too Beach Boy-ey without actually being The Beach Boys, who happen to be great. Enjoy!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I'm cool! Finally!
Dear, Ms. Rena
Thank you for being our sub. It would meen alot to us and Mrs. Tucker. I think God would be very happy with you. We are so proud you are teacher. And doing this for are real teacher. We wish you have a great time in Saint paul school
love,
3rd Grade
You are verey nice and cool. That's wiy I love you. I hope we get you agen. Your the best subtitout. Thank you for bing or techer.
Ashley
Hello Ms. Rena!
My name is Asha! I am glad you are our substitute teacher! Have a nice day!
Love,
Asha
Dear Ms. Rene,
You have been so nice to me and my class. Ms. Rena you've been so cool and fun. It would be rilly cool if you can stay with me and my class for a little bit. YOU ARE SO COOL!
Now, obviously these kids don't know what the deal is with me and god, but if they think he/she would be happy with me, I suppose that's cool. After all these years I now get to be popular in 3rd grade! Yessssss!
But seriously, all sarcasm aside, they're really cute.
Thank you for being our sub. It would meen alot to us and Mrs. Tucker. I think God would be very happy with you. We are so proud you are teacher. And doing this for are real teacher. We wish you have a great time in Saint paul school
love,
3rd Grade
You are verey nice and cool. That's wiy I love you. I hope we get you agen. Your the best subtitout. Thank you for bing or techer.
Ashley
Hello Ms. Rena!
My name is Asha! I am glad you are our substitute teacher! Have a nice day!
Love,
Asha
Dear Ms. Rene,
You have been so nice to me and my class. Ms. Rena you've been so cool and fun. It would be rilly cool if you can stay with me and my class for a little bit. YOU ARE SO COOL!
Now, obviously these kids don't know what the deal is with me and god, but if they think he/she would be happy with me, I suppose that's cool. After all these years I now get to be popular in 3rd grade! Yessssss!
But seriously, all sarcasm aside, they're really cute.
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