Personajes

There is a guy at work named, let's just call him Ben. Ben is friendlier to me than others, and earlier today when I gave him joke-attitude he said, "Getting feisty already, huh?" He was joking of course, but by now I can read into jokes enough to distinguish one sort of joke from another. This was another sort of joke, I'm sure. The tone of voice, the eyes. He's in his mid-thirties and not attractive to me, but the attention made me giddy. It also made me feel like I was in a movie or a book. Timi and I have talked about this particular feeling several times. I also feel like that when I'm checking the day's business paperwork, answering the phone and paperclipping things together as I cradle the phone between my smooth jawline and my slender, 20-something shoulder. I feel like a character in one of those "single girl in the city" books with the pink covers, badly written by Jewish American Princesses with connections in the publishing world. This tiny action sends waves of pleasure through my brain, but almost immediately logical though takes over and convinces me of my utter stupidity.
There is another guy who actually is getting hired as an advisor and this guy really is hot. I immediately started having fantasies of going out to Hermosa Beach with "the Waddell & Reed crew" that doesn't actually exist. We go out, we take shots of tequila, there's some dancing going on, but I don't remember any details. Before 3am, we're making out on his car and he tells me that he lives alone. Perfect. Again, movie perfect. I don't think about the actual sex, because it would most likely be disappointing and only ruin the movie. Is my life a movie trailer? It lures you in, but when you see the actual thing it doesn't quite live up to the promise.
And then there are these thoughs. If I ever complain about nothing being new in my life, please remind me that this dreadful feeling is quite new. Maybe I should buy some St. John's Wort to lift me up a bit and get me though this period until things get settled down and I really do find myself a part of some "crew" or another and stop feeling this boulder deep inside my chest.