equipaje

I really know how to lose myself in my thoughts if I really try. I know everyone does, but I don't know how many people get to my extreme. I'm not saying I'm unique, I just honestly don't know how many people that I know experience this. Sometimes I sit there and I imagine being raped. I imagine walking down a dark path home, my mp3 player on a great song, walking a regular path, cause you know, that's mostly when these things happen. And then through the melody in my head, I hear faint footsteps behind me, then a hand over my mouth. A van drives by, and just like that I'm gone and experiencing perhaps the worst moment of my life. Now, normally I do these daymare fantasies by myself, but if someone looks at my face as I'm in them they'll see an expression of horror. If really let myself get lost in it, I can start crying. Now that's just an example, there are many more, and they're not always bad. Sometimes I imagine perfect sex or a perfect experience of love and in this case a third party would see my mouth stretch out into a blissful smile.
Sometimes, instead of getting lost in my imagination, I get lost in my actual memories. If, again, I let myself get lost in them I reexperience happiness, love, heartbreak, sadness, etc. almost all over again. Sometimes I get so lost in them that I feel like I need to have it back again, or if it's bad, I want to avoid experiencing it at all costs. Concerning friends I normally experience happiness, for example thinking back to mine, Timi's and Korin's roadtrip. That one week was only filled with good memories to me, I don't think I'd take a minute of it back. Sometimes it's sadness and regret, like when I think about not making it down to LA for Timi's birthday one year. As far as relationships go, sometimes I use a bit of imagination to spruce up those memories. Like in Terry's case. I imagine us being somehow connected and meeting somewhere when I'm 30 and realizing we're perfect for each other. Of course the one and only reason I can do this is because I don't know him very well, so I'm free to pin any and all personality traits onto him. Of course I omit the fact that he cheated on his ex-fiance, works on oil-rigs in Alberta and never finished college... you know, minor details. With Larkin I don't have to use my imagination. I use my memories and recreate the mood of a situation in my head, whether it's pain or happiness or disappointment that I'm experiencing, it seems so real and I almost feel it all over again. This is where I start thinking that there is no way that I can have so much history with someone and just let it go like that, and this is also when I realize that I am 23, and I have relationship baggage, and it's never leaving me. I think that this is what my mom meant when she told me that I'd regret "my lifestyle", meaning not being too conservative in my sex life. Some people take up huges spaces in this baggage, while some almost none, but they're still there, and they will follow me around as long as I live, so I better get used to its presence.