ooh, another entry... how exciting

I guess I really should've been posting this much while I was still in exciting places, doing exciting things, but alas, I'm home and I'm bored, so I'm going to post a lot. (I really need to get a job, and soon). I've been so bitter at my friends who are now with guys. Timi is really happy and I'm happy for her, and I even like her boyfriend, but I can't help but hear this voice in my head that says, "She's gonna leave you soon. In fact, she already may have in a way. Soon she'll get married and have babies, and be too busy and you'll be all alone". And that would be good and well, because in a way I've always expected her to do that at some point. I've been preparing myself for it for some time now. Now there's Korin who is possibly moving in with her boyfriend temporarily or permanently. She poses a whole new problem because I always felt like she was my "partner in crime" or something. Like we'll go around the world making trouble for ourselves and everyone else and have a great time doing it. I know I'm being a complete hypocrite of course, because only a few months ago I was in their situation. I guess the fact that I gave that up to do what I really want to do with my life (Yes, at the moment that consists of living with my parents in Torrance, but I have plans... oh yes, I do), makes me feel like they should too, which is absolutely dumb, I know. What they have is better than what I had, and "living my own life" wasn't the only reason for me ending my relationship, but nevertheless, I'm bitter and I want all of my girlfriends to leave their boyfriends, move in with me, acquire several cats and live happily ever after. Hah, wait, maybe I'm a lesbian? A polygamous one, no less. Well, if I ever wanted to give my mother a heart attack, this would be the winner. Or am I just lonely? I think that I am, but not for a relationship. I know a relationship would fill that gap, and it's sad that many people do choose that route. I just don't understand why I can't fill it with what I really want, which is close friends who aren't distracted by their own hole fillers a.k.a. boyfriends. Here I am being cynical again. Of course they're not just hole fillers, they're nice friends who you can have sex with too. Except that they're more than just that. They're possessive and they need constant attention, the way that friends don't. But wait, have I just come full circle and am I the "boyfriend" that I don't approve of? Am I annoyed at the boyfriends because I am "the boyfriend"? This is all terrible, and terribly confusing. I'm going to bed. Good night!